when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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