so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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