i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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