At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
