I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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