also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
