You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
