Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
