i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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