The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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