You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
