When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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