I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
