Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
