i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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