He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
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You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
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Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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