First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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