I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
