Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
