Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
