I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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