Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
