This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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