so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
