2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
