we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
