Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
