We're facebook friends in real life
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
