nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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