If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
