i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
