In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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