It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
