How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
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I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
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Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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