I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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