I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
