I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
