my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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