Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
