What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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