she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
