I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
