we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
