the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
