Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
