I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
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I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
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The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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