On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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