Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
