Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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