Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Send help, water and tortillas.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Randomize
