I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
FUCK WHALES
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
