Jerry, you need to find god
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
