so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
whose parrot is this?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
