i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
