Non-Jews are for practice
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
