She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
